reading this may cause dizziness

Overanalytical Bystander

2006-08-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

So James and I had like an actual conversation on Friday - I was taping boxes so he could put stickers on them

Later in the day, I caught him making what could only be described as sexual moves in my direction to make his buddy laugh

either he wants me or he was making fun of me

of course his buddy saw that I saw and told James

He was kind of loitering around after work (maybe waiting for me to see if I was mad?)

(I strategically park near him)

then he tried to include me in a conversation about TO (at least I think he was talking about TO)

So complicated Sigh

Resolution checkpoint

2006-08-21T15:32:00.000-04:00

The New Year always inspires me to take inventory of my life, so in an effort to better myself, I have come up with a few things I could improve in my life.......Find a better job, and by better I mean makes me happier, not just richer........STOP THINKING ABOUT DEVIL BOY, AT LEAST KEEP IT TO "A DULL ROAR", AS MY GRANDPA USED TO SAY....Get into shape, I felt so much better when I was working out......Do something about my drinking, still not sure what exactly......Be a better sister...............Finish "finishing" my basement...practice being more patient and less grouchy

I wrote this in my blog on Dec. 28, 2005 (honest - check the archives if you don't believe me)

Did you ever go back and read your own blog from the start - crazy fun

though I'd see how I am doing so far

Have a better job - more money AND more happiness

Replaced Devil Boy with yummy James although he occasionally pops into my head - I'm getting over him (please be true) haven't called him in several months

Between my job and my kickboxing class, I have lost 2 pants sizes so far

Still drinking, but less upset about it - not as much of an interference in my life

Slightly btter sister - invited my family up for my birthday party and spent most of the time with my little sister- still could improve
Talk to my brother occasionally in text form

Basement still not finished, but closer

Less grouchy but still not very patient

I'm doing pretty good - and its only August

I'll go to the zoo

2006-08-21T15:04:00.000-04:00

ok here is the update on the young fella at work:

things are moving slow - but in a good direction

i sit next to him at breaks and although i don't talk much, I do laugh at his jokes (which isn't hard cause he's actually funny)

I found out he desribes himself as "boring" meaning he'd rather sit at home than go out, or he wants to do regular date type things - he told one girl at work that he was upset because his last girlfriend wouldn't go to the zoo with him

So she says to him "Bystander likes to go to the zoo, James"

I respond with a "Durrrr" or some other nonsense word

I think my quietness is impressing him, plus most girls that work there hook up with guys right away - I've had other opportunities but remain unaffiliated

And now.... a short sermon from Rev. Bystander

2006-08-14T18:38:00.000-04:00

I'm not really a super religious person (I call myself spiritual when pressed) although I do believe God brings people into your life for a reason - even the people you aren't very close to

Sometimes its obvious why they are in your life but when it is not obvious, it gets frustrating trying to figure it out

Not that I don't trust God - its just real hard giving up that free will

30 seconds of fun ...(not about my sex life)

2006-07-30T21:53:00.000-04:00

I gotts say... i know people with think me an ass or some other form of idiot for this....I LOVE COMMERCIALS!

the direct tv one with the cable guy who leaves the guy at the airport cause of his softball game " i got a double"

the fruit of the loom where he goes "i see a whole lot of apple"

how bout "what, and end up like wood?"

the volkswagon "crash" commercials make u crap yourself the first time you see them - esp. if youve been in an accident before

I wanna make commercials when i grow up

fresh meat

2006-07-24T15:04:00.000-04:00

so im at work, trying to casually find out about James from this girl who works there - she says hes 21 - but she also says hes single and she thinks i may have a chance

why do i get so nervous sometimes and im so bold other times?

in other news, i went to a pig roast over the weekend - so weird to watch him spinning around - the guys shoved a beer can in the pigs ass cause the stuffing was leaking out of there

real appetizing - watching a pig "shit" out stuffing for most of the day

howz your balls?

2006-07-20T17:20:00.000-04:00

worked at the "inflation station" which is a place to blow up balls so i didnt really get to see James today, although this morning he pulled up right as i was getting out of my car and i got so distracted that i left my keys on the roof of my car. i got into work and couldnt find my keys - i didnt know where they were until i went to look for them at first break

i am smitten

(the psychologist in me says this is why i am attracted to younger guys, they make me feel young again)

but enough analysis

so hes old enough to like bands like Live and Alice in Chains but still young enough to blast the music while whipping through the parking lot I will guess 25 maybe

my neighbor, who is an eighty something woman, always says
"get em young, treat em rough, and tell em nothing"

she may be onto something

btw, bv: i worked at Macys several years back - had crazy hot sex many times in the storage area
(wash your new clothes before you wear them) just a suggestion

he was younger than me too

and there was that driving job i had - also younger than me

im sensing a pattern - work sex with younger guys- although maybe this time ill do it on off hours

dont wanna lose my job

hey little guy, wanna touch my boobies?

2006-07-19T12:52:00.001-04:00

Things I found about about the youngin' at work

1. His name is James
2. He played high school football (a very big deal in my town)
3. He drives a green Explorer
4. He loves the Steelers
5. He listens to and/or sings 90's rock like Alice in Chains (maybe he's older than i think?)

so pathetic that i cant talk to/ figure out even the young guys - what a loser i am but he makes me nervous for some reason

the closest i came to flirting with him today:

yesterday he got in trouble for not having a garbage bag with him (clean as you go!) so at first break this morning our boss (scott) said to him "ill be visiting you later"

so later i went upstairs to help James - i must have snuck up on him and startled him cause he says " oh, i thought you were scott"
so i say "im kind of sad to be confused with scott"

he laughs and says "i was only looking at the garbage bag, thats why i though you were scott"

so i say "i guess i forgive you then"

im so lame

You make the call

2006-07-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

so okay, how young is too young?

theres a guy at my new job - if i had to guess id say hes 21 or 22. (His high school tee is still in good shape)

now as for me, ill say im in my early thirties

is this a good idea?

ive been flirting slightly and i think he may be responding

i only want him for a good time, its not like i wanna marry him or something

So iguess my question is this, should i pursue him further?

dare i say it?

2006-07-16T01:18:00.000-04:00

well, my birthday was slamming - my new job is going pretty well, and ive got my gary allan ticket for labor day

if i could only get my love life in order

at least i still have whiskey - he loves me

Cat around in your own alley

2006-06-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

so last night i go to the neighbors (shes going to VA for meetimgs for a few days so we sent her off by getting intoxicated

things were all under control.....untilwe decided to go to our other neighbors new hot tub ...so the community of drunks stagger into the hot tub, in various stages of dress (me being naked) the boyfriend of the girl going to va can get a little grabby nothing i cant handle however,

a new couple has moved in recently and become friends in our neighborhood click of drunks and other inappropriate types. The female of this couple, btw just returned from her honeymoon, was in the hot tub and the male portion of the other couple were there very close.

then they get out and go in thehouse (naked of course) for a while - through one window we could see naked embraces and an open mouth kiss
my neighbor and i were the only ones awake at this point

the point of the story is this - the girl who went to va for work and the newly wed husband of the new girl are friends of all of us - what is our obligation here - stay quiet or what?

worky, worky

2006-06-22T15:37:00.000-04:00

I think i may have landed a job - Im supposed to start next Wed.

I took the drug test last Friday - i imagine if i failed they would have told me by now

this is good for me - more money than i have made in years - im actually excited about going to work

I havent worked in a month - it'll be nice to actually buy some stuff

To celebrate, i went clothes shopping ( what!? a girl needs clothes, besides, im going to a wedding in a few weeks and i cant fit into any of my nice clothes anymore)

now Ill be able to get tickets for Gary Aug 31 hes playing with Rascal Flatts, which I hate ( sorry ) so after his set i can sneak around and try to find Gary (im going alone) while the idiot masses wave their Garanimals at Rascal Flatts

I will beat my breasts against Gary until he agrees to be my sex slave

drunken honesty of a desperate mess

2006-06-22T01:28:00.000-04:00

It is late, and I am drunk

I check the messenger one more time - still no response from you

What does it take to get you to grow the fuck up - are you trying to mess with my head or are you too stupid to comment

it does me no good to think about it, except to get me going in the pants, the good news is, I can remedy THAT on my own

the beauty of it is that you are sleeping soundly in your bed, no doubt, maybe you are not alone

the thought of that rips my heart out and bounces it against the fireplace

at least i still have Gary

Things to do before I die

2006-06-21T23:16:00.000-04:00

1) Have a child of my own - dont want one if i cant create it - if u think thats selfish or ignorant -go fuck yourself

2) Go to Hawaii - always wanted to

3) Write a hit country song - been writing songs forever- recently summoned the courage to send them to people who may use them

4) Make love to Gary Allan - yes i am serious, actually, this should be number one

5) Drive across country - sounds like fun, and get to see my country firsthand

6) Find a way to make a living that is enjoyable to me

7) Learn how to make furniture

8) Um, did I mention make love to Gary Allan? better put it again, just to be safe

Theres gotta be more

Boo! its like talking to a ghost

2006-06-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

still the same ol bystander: still chasing devil boy - still drinking- still madly in love with Gary Allan
i got into painting and woodworking, quit my job as junk mail girl - too fuckin boring - now need a new job

my birthday is coming up soon - love it PARTY! like i need an excus

ouch, whaddaya mean surgery?!

2006-03-23T15:50:00.000-05:00

so i went to the doctor today - i called off work so much i needed a doctors note -
turns out i have carpal tunnel - super

maybe i could get on disability -

am i blue

2006-03-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

dont know whats going on with me lately....been so depressed

calling off work, sleeping all day, staying up all night - not even sure what my problem is

maybe american idol will cheer me up - or a big glass of whiskey

i know, i know

2006-03-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

has it really been that long since i've posted?

Well, Gary Allan was fuckin AWESOME he's so amazing - can't wait til Labor Day to see him again at the Allentown fair wish he was coming around sooner

went with almost so i couldn't try my luck with gary oh well

Almost and i have been spending a lot of time together, sigh wish life was easier

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2006-03-08T17:52:00.000-05:00

Had another little bout but today I actually feel like a human being again

Gary Allan countdown: 3 days til the show

Just knowing I'll be seeing him is clearing the fluid from my lungs - although he does create fluid in other areas wink, wink

Introspective

2006-02-28T14:52:00.000-05:00

Went back to the doctor today - back to work tomorrow - BOO

I am doing better though

I never really thought about my health - its scary how quickly you can be so sick and nothing else really matters

I become very serious when I am sick, apparently

I am alive....barely

2006-02-27T12:02:00.000-05:00

I had broncitis, which turned into pneumonia, which actually put me in the hospital for a bit. Yesterday was the first day I could even think about coming upstairs to my computer.

Almost took care of me all weekend - he just left this morning AAwwwwww!

I wish I had something interesting to report but my life has consisted of bed rest and green phlem for the past week or so.

I will try to have a more exciting life in the near future

On AI, Ace and Chris are the hotties of the season - who cares about the singing

Valentine's Day ........bleh

2006-02-15T17:27:00.000-05:00

Sat on the couch, watching tv ....alone

Had a few drinks and watched American Idol for a nightcap

I love that show, not sure why

I guess it could be worse - I could have had to spend it with a boy....eeewwwww

"But, Mommy, why can't we go out and play?" - my dogs

2006-02-13T17:55:00.000-05:00

It's been one trauma after another with me...nothing too serious, just enough to drive me crazy. I'll give you an example:

Woke up 5 AM

Drove to work (took me forty five minutes as opposed to my usual 20 due to snowy mountain roads)

Worked at shitty job all day - i hate taking shit from these supervisors - I'm not stuck up or anything - but these people are borderline retarded

Now here's where the trauma really heats up-

I've been having trouble with my printer - thought it was simply a case of needing new ink cartridges - drove out to Staples - spent $60 I don't have - drove back home

More trauma alert:

Taped to my front door is a note from the "dog warden" (thats what he calls himself) the county dog catcher
he received an "anoymous" tip that my dogs "run loose" on "other people's propery"
{minor sidebar - my dogs do sometimes stray off their property- I am always home when they are out and I do pay attention to their whereabouts- they don't get far}

another minor sidebar - I live in the woods, and I mean woods - theres bear and shit up here, dogs are fa from a big concern- especially my dogs- who are VERY friendly and would never hurt anyone unless they were forced to

Then, to ice the shitty day cake, my printer still does not work. Now I have to call Gateway again, and yell at them

so anyway, I am going to get a fine if this "anonymous" tipster takes a picture of my dogs on his property - there are many other dogs in my neighborhood who run loose, I'm not sure he even knows which dogs are mine (I am pretty sure who it is)

I will "out" him should I become more certain of his guilt

Got a 96 on my test - good but still people did better, I stay on the list for a year so keep your fingers crossed
I may run around getting liquor store workers fired (he, he)

Up to my Old Tricks

2006-02-05T14:43:00.000-05:00

I went down to a neighbors birthday last night, i dont remember large portions of it

What I do know:

I didn't call Devil Boy, one small step for mankind! but I did call some other people before I realized it was 2 AM

I must have fallen, my clothes are soaking wet and full of mud (it was pouring rain in pa last nite)

I was crying about some crap-not sure what-and the birthday boy ( a good buddy of Almost) was hugging me and I may have slapped his ass

Seriously entertained the thought of going down the street to a high school kids party but actually had the sense to not go

I woke up at quarter till two

I also had to mention, I took my test to work in the state store- we'll see in a week or so how I did-had to go up to Scranton to take it- Scranton is a pretty cool town-me and Almost walked around for a while- nice place ya got here, Steamtown!

Have been talking to my brother more recently, text messaging is easier than calling somehow

Interview with a Devil Boy

2006-02-02T19:20:00.000-05:00

Name: Devil Boy
Occupation: Making IB feel like shit

Hobbies: fucking with peoples heads, shining my horns, forking my tail, drinking, fielding drunken phone calls from IB with a quick "I'll have to call you back later" or "I'm at work", crushing IB's heart under my hoof (devils have hooves, right?)

Future Plans: make IB go completely insane, then find someone to share life with that doesn't care for me half as much as IB would have (if she didn't go insane, that is)

Once, on one of my drunk dials, I told him I can't stop thinking about him and he said "Well, I could see why you would say that" What does THAT even mean?

Hes coming for me!

2006-02-01T19:19:00.000-05:00

March 11, penns peak, i will make him fall in love with me, or at the very least, throw my panties at him

guys i nailed and shouldn't have

2006-02-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

1) Russ - he's like number 1,2 and 3, not my type at all, a scrawny little weasel- its just that i was on the rebound, and he got so little action that he appreciated it so much

4)the guy who looked exactly like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted..... hot, but what an asshole all I remember is his name was John and he sucked in the sack-I hope he improved with age

5) Gene- I hung out at the mall all the time in high school, everyone did (I'm from Jersey, that's what we do) and I met a guy named DJ, we "dated" a little while. One night he took me to a party at his friends house-and then he left me there! So i fucked his friend Gene.good time but so wrong.

6) DJ--for reasons stated in number five

7)i want to put my ex husband here, I'm not putting his name because he's a crazy stalker and I'm still afraid he's gonna kill me after 6 years- i wouldn't be who I am today if I never slept with him, I'm not sure if thats a regret of not---so I'll pencil him in

I know my faithful readers are saying "Now Bystander, where is devil Boy?"
I can't put him on here, although I'd be MUCH better off had I not slept with him, as he has broke my heart. But I don't regret one second of it. (The sex part at least)

I'm sure there's more and I will update you on any changes

Guys I should have nailed

2006-01-31T16:48:00.000-05:00

1) Brian K.- had a HUGE crush on him all through high school, I'd leave notes and flowers on his car--he just never "bit" I console myself by telling myself that he was gay, but I don't think he is

2) Brian F.- real sweet kid I was friends with in high school, the kind of guy I would have dated if I was normal, so cute, and he played guitar. Actually could play, good for a kid

3)George N.- a friend I hung out with as "couple friends" you know, when four of you hang out, then he broke up with his girl, but I was still with A-hole. He even told me once "I wish you weren't with A-hole, we would have lots of fun together"
Yes we would've George

4)The Archery Guy at the summer camp I used to work at- don't remember his name but super hot-and into me. I was a mess at that time of my life though and "didn't want to get involved"
What a loser

5)Mike- a guy i used to work with, would have made an excellent sex buddy, good at feigning interest

6) Sal - because he tries so hard, he's cute and to see what all the fuss is about

7) College boys- was in a relationship all during my college years, fear I missed out on a LOT of fun

A better list, for another day --Guys I nailed and shouldn't have

My "first"

2006-01-31T16:21:00.000-05:00

My first boyfriend (by that I mean the guy who "deflowered" me) celebrated his 36th birthday last week.
I have not spoken to him in seven or so years.

Not that I wouldn't want to. He's one of the few exes I managed to stay friends with afterwards.

In fact, we were very good friends for many years afterwards. I ended up in a very long relationship with one of his best friends so the three of us had many a great time together.

He has made me laugh more than any other man. He had a goatee before it was cool. His dick was huge (spoiled me for other guys) Once we were drunk on the bus to new york and he starts doing Dice jokes (remember him?)

Hickory, dickory, dock
This bitch was sucking my cock
the clock struck two
I dropped my goo
and dropped the bitch off on the next block

OOOHHHH!!

We were in washington square park (nyc) and this short little prick put a butchers knife to his throat and demanded his money. Just thinking about that ten years later makes me want to find that guy and torture him. I don't think he realized how much I care for him. I worried for him when he went through his self destructive phase.

he met a girl like seven years ago, who did not like me, or more specifically, did not me like hanging out with him. Then I moved, broke up with his friend, moved again....

I wonder where he is today. I should track him down.....or should I

Happy belated b day, Tim---hope it was a good one

Tips of Today

2006-01-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

I don't care what your boyfriend tells you, you DON'T look cute in the maternity half shirt...He's afraid of you!

Guys should NOT give girls advice about what to do with their hair (unless they are gay) eg. You should cut your hair/grow your hair long/ dye your hair blond/red/brown/purple

Most of you don't even have hair----and the hair you have looks like crap half the time

When guys try to pick me up/initiate a conversation by saying "Smile!", it makes me want to punch them in the face....HARD

Women are way more evil than men: men generally only do evil deeds because they are too lazy, frightened, or dumb to do otherwise, or they have no self control. Women love the whole evildoing experience, and will laugh at you while you are down.

A little less Showtime and a lot more action

2006-01-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

I mean, God Forbid I spend like thirty seconds vacuuming, you turn the tv up so loud----wouldn't want to miss a moment of "white men can't jump", you've only watched it a hundred times
I mean turn the tv off and let's fuck already

This is why he is Almost.

It's like we've been married a hundred years.

It just keeps getting better

2006-01-26T16:59:00.000-05:00

This is why there have been no posts lately,
My mouse is fucked!
But it's okay, it is under warranty, I just had to wait four days for it. Yes, FOUR.
The only way I could use the old mouse was to rip the left click button off and poke the little hole with a pen cap. Not as easy as it sounds.

I pet a dog at work, and the bitch thanked me! I'm trying to talk to Almost on my cell during break and here she comes waddling (Mrs. Queen of Mail) with two dogs on leashes----just as she opens the door a third dog, leashless, comes bolting past. Now of course she is too large and immobile to catch the dog. So this dog could either run into the production floor, where giant machines will surely make light work of doggie, or outside-----next to Rt 80 (maybe you've heard of it)

I get the dogs attention and call it to me and I'm harmlessly petting him while restraints are located.

When the people in charge are that stupid.........

Today we are going to learn how to insert a link, boys and girls

2006-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

The floor is the basement is almost done---and looking pretty good, I might add, so I thought I deserved a break for a drink and a smoke....
Team cns
(Practicing my links) - a chat room I terrorize from time to time

Why I picked lightning

2006-01-16T18:31:00.000-05:00

My house has been hit by lightning. Several times in its 12 year existance. Never since I have lived here (three years). The one time, my neighbor said the lightning blew a hole in the foundation so big you could stick your hand through the wall and touch my driveway. They had a drop ceiling in down there, and all the corners where the metal rails meet is black from the lightning traveling through them. Its crazy. (I have a lightning rod on my house now, which, interestingly enough, does not attract lightning, but deionizes the air surrounding my house to make it less attractive to lightning. Who knew?) Apparently, my home is particularly ionized. Wonder what that could mean?

Did Doogie Howser just say Blog?

2006-01-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching the game here, whats going on with the Colts?- but the point is, a commercial comes on for this show called "How I met Your Mother" comes on. I have never seen it but Neil Patrick Harris is in it and I like him. But anyway, he's talking to ths chick in the commercial and he goes "You really never read my blog, do you?" Too funny, they talk about blogs on sitcoms now. .........My anonymity will be DESTROYED! Horrors!

It's been too long since we've seen ya

2006-01-15T14:42:00.000-05:00

"Hey Innocent, How was your day, baby?"
"I couldn't wait to get home to you, Gary"
*Gary laughs slyly*
"Why don't you come here so I can show you how happy I am to see you?" he says, looking at me like THAT.
Oh Gary

Totally unrelated thoughts

2006-01-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

I have been hard at work bettering myself. Yesterday I signed up to take the test to work in the liquor store-------here in the fine state of Pennsyltucky you must pass a written test to work in the liquor store, but anyway, it's Feb. 4 so wish me luck. I'm not really sure what sort of questions will be on it (hoping there's some sort of a physical challenge) but I am organized to the point of compulsion---and I loves me some booze. So I'm set, right? I mean, have you even been in the state store in Pa? Most of em are so organized, they must use rulers 'n shit.----------------------------A totally unrelated thought, at my crazy ass job there's this guy, not much to look at but he seems nice enough, anyway, he's wearing this shirt, its green and it has a red cross on it and it says Orgasm Donor.Now does this mean that he gives women orgasms, or is it that he likes to jizz on people-------------------A totally unrelated thought, I stepped on a piece of wood in the basement, No Big Deal, you say? Well sure, except this particular piece of wood had a BIG FUCKING NAIL sticking out of it and it went into my foot. There was bleeding and everything! (Keep in mind I am a huge baby when it comes to blood) and I have no medical insurance yet, so lucky for me, the bleeding subsided on its own. Lucky for me again (not) I was in an accident last year, so I got a Tetanous shot recently. And you thought you were having fun...

Something

2006-01-10T19:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm actually doing something....I'm almost finished pulling up the disgusting pink carpet that was in the basement (did you know that in basements they sometimes GLUE the fucking rug to the FLOOR.) Cause I didn't, but I will never forget it. Then I bought these parquet tiles that snap together, so FOR MY NEXT TRICK........[drum roll]....I will attempt to place tiles to the floor. This by the way, is the room where all my workout equipment is....and the mangled flooring situation has been my excuse to not venture in there to get back into shape (also something for me to be doing)......Although trying to pull up a carpet that has been glued to concrete for twelve years IS quite the workout.

Am I a visitor from another world, cause I DON'T GET IT.

2006-01-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

So the Almost's birthday is next week, so I decide to get him a few things and the whole card and cake routine. He he keeps saying he wants "socks and underwear" when I ask him what he wants, so, among other things, I get him socks and underwear. So I get a six pack of socks and toss them in the cart as I am speeding through the walmart after work on Friday. When I get home and begin to wrap the items, I realize there is a Gaping Fucking Hole in the back of the bag of socks and a pair of said socks had been removed. Someone actually stole ONE pair of socks WTF...And what am I gonna do, take em back? They''ll think I'm insane. (Don't ask me how I didn't notice Gaping Fucking Hole in the store) ....................On Friday at work, I notice a new sign in the bulletin glass board (see twisteds blog for more boss details) -------minor sidebar, my boss and his wife, who works there to keep him from banging the help, have four, thats right, four dogs that come to work with them every day, all day. ------------so I go to read the sign as I am very interested in the mailing process [insert sarcastic tone] The sign reads "The dogs you see are guests. Please do not pet or provoke the dogs as they are not good with people and they are in training." or some shit very close to this. Are you fucking kidding me with this? So everyone's walking around work going "Don't pet the dogs, Please?"

Resolution Check............one, two, one, two

2006-01-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

Just a few short days after the new year, and I am already accomplishing little. (But the mandatory overtime is done at work, whoohoo, so now working out and finishing the basement are right around the corner)..............called devil boy once (not good) but Im sick of him right now, sick of thinking about him. As Gretchen Wilson says "I dont feel like loving you today". I am concentrating tonight on the "be a better sister". I have not. .......................................................My sister is eight. Without divulging my age, I am more than old enough to be her mother. She is my half sister, although I would never call her that, we come from the same mother, she is my sister. Her father and I have a good relationship and he is an excellent father to her. She's like me.......... looks like me, says words like "indescretion" properly, she's super smart and funny, impatient, hyper, and super sensative. I don't spend as much time with her as I should. They live about an hour and a half away, but I never seem to have time. My mother and I don't have a very good relationship and I let it affect my relationship with my sister. I also have a brother, who is a year younger than me although we have never met, and only recently "found" each other. Apparently, our father, whom neither of us have met, was quite the man ho. There are even more of us (at least two more boys) out west somewhere. Careful, guys, if you want to screw the bystander, there's a chance I am your sister. Well, the point is this, I went to all this trouble to find him and I just never call him. I'm afraid he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know why I think that, he's given me no reason...............

Alive means breathing

2006-01-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about these W. Virginia miners that were killed. Eleven of twelve. The mine was shut down 15 times last year for safety violations. The worst part though is that they told all the families that they were all alive. They waited at the church for the miners..and waited..and waited. What they got were cops, "Im sorry they're dead after all" Could you imagine? I usually aviod news in the blogger ....I live in a section of Pennsylvania where coal mining and mine disasters are the history, and continue to function to this day. I guess the new year has made me soft.

love can be so boring

2006-01-03T17:24:00.000-05:00

You make me feel like a fool, and I make excuses for you in my head.................You think you have learned so much, with your school and your traveling, but when will you learn how to be truthful with people, to be direct---------you will run thousands of miles to help a stranger, but what about helping me?....is this my punishment for having feelings for you? I can't help the way I act, it's because I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, STUPID IDIOT!! ......................Just tell me where I stand with you, no matter what it is. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to.....you can't make me any crazier than you already have.

happy friggin' new year

2006-01-02T14:57:00.000-05:00

what a nite! Almost came over on Friday and we chilled out, made an awesome dinner, had some cocktails - even got a little action (oh yeah) Then Saturday one of Almost's buddies came up to hang out, a cool guy we hung out with years ago, when I lived in Trenton, NJ. He had his kid with him, who was real good and he cracked me up the whole time. Of course I drank during most everything Then Saturday nite we got a snowstorm so one of my neighbors picked us up in his all terrain vehicle and took us all to this party. I was pretty drunk by thie point and the giants were on tv, I was with all these nice looking guys having a blast - the giants won around eleven or so I was jumping all over yelling like a crazy person. Cant wait for the playoffs to start- I am totally amped- Any way the kid was tired to we went back to my place, after the fireworks - the kid went to bed- so it was me, four guys by themselves and the couple that moved in next door- well, im not sure what happened, but Almost got into an altercation with the guy from the couple next door and he knocked the guy off his chair into my dogs food. then the neighbor guy left, but on the way out he broke my wind chime, i mean wtf is that? Any way so perfectly good game of skipbo was ruined, but it was kind of funny. Almost felt bad so he went into my bed to pass out, so i hung out with three guys until 6 am, then got in bed with him. Maybe this is The Year of the Guy for the bystander, keep your fingers crossed. Slept right through yestereday. Discovered that if i smoked lots of pot i dont drink so much, so i may a have solution to my drinking problem. Though of another thing i should do to improve myself.....not swear so much...i noticed how much i swear hanging out with a child over the weekend - what a potty mouth. So far, so good

Green Eyed Monster, Indeed

2005-12-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

mackenzie got me to thinking (well, honestly, I was thinkin about him anyway) DEVIL BOY --Okay here's the deal....about six years ago we met, working together. We were friends for years, drank and smoked together all the time - he's kind of funny and kind of mean - yep, just like the bystander-one thing led to another, ya know it went on like THAT for a few months- problem was, i was involved with Almost - ended up moving three hours away - to which DEVIL BOY responded with complete indifference -so up until a few months ago we had an e mail and occasional phone calls - very friendly and platonic like- until where you met us, I drove to see him on his birthday, which I'll fill you in on another day. (there was no sex, unfortunately) Now all the old feelings are coming back up Sigh And Almost is still, well, Almost Right but much better than DEVIL BOY

2005-12-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

AWww, guys!

2005-12-27T18:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks for missing me. I spent the weekend with Almost and it went pretty well. Yes, I drank but i was well behaved, well, okay i wasn't really well behaved, but fun was had. Even went out to dinner with his parents (they already so me so not a huge deal, but still...) made a lasagna and cookies. He's a good guy, it was nice, but....I don't know, its like since we already know so much about each other its...not boring,really but, there's not a lot of excitement either. Now working 11 hour days until further notice....too many! SOOO sleepy, me no like worky!

i did it for love, love of not getting arrested! -Homer Simpson

2005-12-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

Well, after two whole days of not drnking, i fell off the wagon a little. but it was fun, i have decided to wait until after the holidays, but im gonna do it .....i swear ..............but its christmas, puleezze!? !can't i just wait a little longer!? My neighbors kid turned twenty yesterday so i was over there......ALL my other neighbors drink, they even had my favorite whiskey...i had to finish it off. oh well. never give up ....................................

'stead of kisses, we get kicked

2005-12-19T17:55:00.000-05:00

sometimes at work, it seems like we should all break out in a rousing rendition of Hard Knock Life...never worked in a factory setting before ...sometimes i feel like I am trapped in a Springsteen song.............so anyway, some semi interesting devil boy news...... I check my e mail last night, as I often do, and there's one from devil boy.......havent heard from him since i dropped the L bomb on his voice mail........Now, don't get too excited...its only one of those silly Christmas jokes that you just pass along.....so i reply, Im all like....hey good to know youre still alive .....he sends one back and hes like yeah ive been real busy at my new job, I'm working all types of crazy hours...or some such lameness...so then I go work sux, Im about to get fired (i didnt, fyi) and he sends back......i hope not, unless you want to, then i know you can do better...he just acts like nothing happened, and he throws in niceness, just to fuck with me. What does it mean?

i know i get wild , and i get drunk - its not like i got a bunch of bodies in my trunk

2005-12-18T16:55:00.000-05:00

im not such a bad person, really - i love doggies and i put food out for the birds, i spent the past two days and 200 dollars preparing for almost's christmas eve visit, which will be complete with homemade lasagna and cookies, and even a present i actually put a lot of thought into and he will like - my house is decorated nicely and cleaner than it has been in a very long time however, i have come to a sad conclusion -i have a serious drinking problem that will ruin my life eventually------------------ i spend a large portion of my life falling or vomiting, i cannot hold down a job (i havent been to work in two days and i am half expecting to be fired tomorrow- i even typed out most of a resume) i can't finish simple tasks like typing a resume, or showering on a daily basis -----so my new years resolution will be NO MORE DRINKING i know, i know except maybe holidays --everyone deserves a holiday for craps sake---any bets on how long i'll last? On a much happier note, HOW BOUT THEM GIANTS BABY oh yeah

champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends

2005-12-13T19:15:00.000-05:00

i dont know what THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GUYS and they say chicks are crazy. Heaven has to be filled with hot guys who cannot speak, only fuck ( well, okay they can speak but only to say nice things or sing to me, and to scream out my name when we're doin' it) then i would be glad to kill myself, if only to get away from him

walt whitman - hours continuing long

2005-12-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

Hours continuing long, sore and heavy hearted, hours of the dusk, when I withdraw to a lonesome and unfrequented spot, seating myself, leaning my face in my hands; Hours sleepless, deep in the night, when I go forth, speeding swiftly the country roads, or through the city streets, or pacing miles and miles, stifling plaintive cries; Hours discouraged, distracted --for the one I cannot content myself without, soon I saw him content himself without me; Hours when I am forgotten, (O weeks and months are passing, but I belive I am never to forget!) Sullen and suffering hours! (I am ashamed --but it is useless -- I am what I am;) Hours of my torment -- I wonder if others ever have the like, out of the like feelings? Is there even one other like me -- distracted-- their friend, their lover, lost to them? Are they too as I am now? Do they still rise in the morning, dejected, thinking who is lost to them? and at night, awaking, think who is lost? Do they too harbor their friendship silent and endless? harbor their anguish and passion? Does some stray reminder, or the casual mention of a name, bring the fit back upon them, taciturn and deprest? Do they see themselves reflected in me? In these hours, do they see the face of their hours reflected?

ed norton and michael rapaport

2005-12-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

mr. almost right, two jugs of whiskey and one broken rib (my weekend)

2005-12-11T17:23:00.000-05:00

so there's this guy in my life who i'll call Mr almost right....he drives a truck so he's never around, but he was off all this weekend ....we drank, we laughed, he cooked us pork chops, we drank and laughed some more, he woke up at 5 am on saturday (his day off) to take me to work because he knew I was nervous about driving down the icy mountain ( i wrecked my truck last winter and i called Almost from the creek I landed in, crying and bleeding and freezing. He was in New Hampshire and he told me later he has never felt more helpless because he wasn't there for me. AWWW But back to the present, after i got home from work on Saturday there was a note from "my dogs" saying "thanks for being such a great mommy" and in my Christmas stocking was a Gary Allan CD. Almost insisted the dogs must have stolen his debit card and went to walmart. AAWWW The kicker is that he wants to MARRY me, he even has a RING. What the hell am i gonna do? i think i should but if youre not sure , should you do it anyway? Maybe im just scared. WTF So how do i end this wonderful weekend you ask? I tripped over my own feet after several cocktails and fall in my own kitchen, smashing my back against the oven door handle. I have a huge disgusting bruise now and i can barely move. At least the beautiful face has been preserved. Ouch, can't laugh, it hurts too much

im crushin on private pyle - vincent d'onofrio

2005-12-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

mark ruffalo

2005-12-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

imaginary boyfriends (besides Gary)

2005-12-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

-Mark Ruffalo - in View from the Top with Gweneth Paltrow - the perfect boyfriend ------------Vincent D'Onofrio - Detective Goren on Law and Order CI - so intense and a hot mouth---------John Corbett - Aidan on Sex in the City and in Greek Wedding sooo sweet----------------------Michael Rappaport - kind of scrawny for my taste but his attitude is a turn on------------------Ben Affleck - in Jersey Girl or in Good Will Hunting, (which or course takes me to)--------------Matt Damon - wanted to be the girl in Bourne Identity, also hot in, well, anything---------------Edward Norton - 25th hour, fight club, adorable and edgy, love guys with attitude (have I mentioned?)-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I'm sure there's more but too drunk for thinking

snow day!

2005-12-08T16:48:00.000-05:00

they're calling for 8 - 10 inches tonight (I mean, really-who isn't-he he..... had to be said) so since there will be no work tomorrow, it's rum and coke time baby! Some people get bread and milk, I get rum and cokes- and frozen pizza and french fries for tomorrow. I mean grow up already bystander-what are you fourteen? oh well I'm still quite sober, but I have to say...some people should not have blogs, do ya know why, because they NEVER UPDATE THEM! Yes I'm referring to devil boy- he's soooo busy he can't keep up a blog OR return a phone call. Whatever. Just wait till I'm drunk.

gary allan is madly in love with ME!

2005-12-07T18:36:00.000-05:00

band all flats

2005-12-06T16:18:00.000-05:00

I've been back at work for a whole whopping two days now, and I have had it already. I was meant to be born to millionaires, not an unwed teenage mother. But I digress, I thought I would share with you the agony that is my workday......We begin with the guy they put me with on the machine (you would think it could be the one hot guy that works there but nnnooo) they give me a man I will be referring to as chuckles. He speaks very little English... he knows "break time" "go home" and something that sort of sounds like "tired?" however, he says these few items with such jubilation that I had to dub him chuckles (it was either that or summer teeth, as in sum r there and sum aren't)..... then there's my supervisor---only one comment on this subject...being overweight means you should clean your crevices more thoroughly, not less. EWWW. then we have "witchy"-- scraggly hair, chin wart, beady eyes, the works. and she jumps around all day.. I mean literally, jumps up and down the aisles cackling and whooping (note to self..ask witchy for some of what she's on) now you know why I'm so tired.....anyone hiring?

I may be completely devoid of moral fiber

2005-12-05T19:03:00.000-05:00

What country can I move to where it is acceptable to have several men in my life at once (not at once but at ahh...you know what I mean). I fear that I am too much woman for one man to handle ( or is it that I am a pervert) either way....reminds me of an old joke..............A woman needs a man that has a good job to take care of her, a man who is supportive and kind, a man who gives her amazing sex, a man who she can have fun with....and it's very important that these four men not know about each other.

who's my daddy

2005-12-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

Michael Strahan has been the man forever now-and I love to see him doing well, not just because he's a Giant, but also because he is super nice. He was at a charity softball game in New Jersey when I lived there and, unlike the other guys, he talked to the fans and joked around. Way cool, Mike. Plus, he's involved in charities that help animals. Animals are way better than people in my opinion. ........FIRST PLACE IS SWEET!

is it hot in here or is my house on fire?

2005-12-03T07:12:00.000-05:00

too hot to sleep, I find myself inspired by Mackenzie to try my hand at a little poetry ................... I know this guy,we'll call him Len, for many years he's been a friend, We drink mad booze and smoke mad pot, when we're together we laugh a lot, I talk to him whenever I can, cause he says I'm perfect just the way I am, His crazy friendship is God's little present, cause he may not believe it but at least he says it Not bad, eh?

oops, i spilled

2005-12-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

i knocked over my drink(smirnoffs twisted black cherry) which knocked over a half full can of code red. you would not believe the smell it has created. It would choke a maggot. (thats from austin powers) dont wanna get sued.........oh yeah have another one, innocent bystander

tales of a baby bystander

2005-12-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

as a child, I was obsessed with dying. I would dart in front of cars or climb trees until the branches sagged beneath me and my grandmother would come out screeching about me "breaking my head open". Once I even threw myself down a flight of concrete steps and gave myself my first concussion. (aww baby's first brain injury) . I finally realized that I would not "finish the job" . As negative as I am, there's always been that small voice saying "it will get better" hang in there". That voice is half right: it does get better, but it gets worse again too. Just don't let go. Keep passing the open windows. the tide is always changing.............So am I crazy or what.

my name is earl

2005-12-01T00:06:00.000-05:00

this show makes me laugh more each week...every character is soo funny, but you gotta love crabman

love is like wisdom teeth - painful and pointless

2005-11-30T19:35:00.000-05:00

when you are in a relationship, especially one that's not going so great, one tends to become bitter. My bitterness has brought me to a place where I am alternately envious and filled with hatred for anyone "in love".
An example- while watching a reality show (real world austin) this guy (Danny) tells the blond chick (Melony, Melody?who gives a crap) how much he's gonna miss her (for like a week of being apart) that she is "his angel" and "saying goodbye to her" is the "hardest thing he's ever had to do" BLEH Then he kisses her...ON THE MOUTH... on purpose! I had forgotten you could use your mouth for that. My guy has actually fallen out of bed rather than come into physical contact with me. Wow..I'm in a mood, huh?

i bet he thinks this blog is about him

2005-11-29T19:12:00.000-05:00

10) He isn't intimidated by me - i mean psychologically and mentally, not physically - not big into the smacking around thing (although I will if I have to)
9) I can be with him, quietly, completely comfortable
8) He can drink almost as much as me - almost
7) He tells me when I'm full of crap - and doesn't pout when I tell him he's full of crap
6) He's curious about the world & how stuff works and he looks at things so intently,studying everything - so adorable
5) He can be really sweet - stop laughing- very occasionally
4) Pretty hot in the old sackaroo - wink, wink
3) He can fix stuff - love a guy that's good with his hands
2) sense of humor - knows the value of laughter, makes me laugh and finds me humorous
1) When he looks at me, my insides feel like melted ice cream

my imaginary boyfriend (again)

2005-11-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

its been a week since i showed off my "boyfriend" gary. Green eyed devil. (what is it about green eyes?)

telephone usage is priviledge, not a right

2005-11-28T17:29:00.000-05:00

quick recap of my evening......drank a fifth of whiskey, watched sportscenter and screamed at the giants kicker(see previous blog), did a twenty minute "bit" in front of the neighbors, which included jokes about my neighbors penis size, propositioning my other neighbors dad to a three way with him and his son, and how i find men jerking off to be sexy.......blank areas of memory that included me driving up the mountain......then drunk dialing a guy (devil boy, as seen in previos blogs), not sure of the message, only that it included a lot of noises not usually found in the english language (sorry) then more blank spaces....called my guy friend to bitch about all the other guys in the world (including the giants kicker) , slept on the dogs bed until the need to vomit awoke me------what a winner LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I present to you DRUNKEN LOSER GIRL!! *wild applause*

way to go, a-hole (shanks a lot)

2005-11-28T16:33:00.000-05:00

jay feely is a girly man ---3 missed field goals, what the fuck! it's not like beating the seahawks would have been huge, OH WAIT...it was huge A HUGE EMBARRASSING FAILURE! AAAGGH!

what is with me anyway?

2005-11-23T17:07:00.000-05:00

So here I sit, drinking alone on an evening that is notorious for partying, the night before Thanksgiving. My turkey sits in cold water defrosting and the whiskey has started flowing into the gullet. I am plagued with a troubling thought, however. Why do I spend so much time alone and worse yet why do I enjoy it? It's not like I have no aquaintances - there are at least 8 people in my neighborhood alone that are drinking right now, and find me to be very entertaining, yet I find myself hiding from their phone calls. I have always been this way so I ask you, faithful readers, to analyze my psyche. Here's what I've got so far: I was an only child, mommy and daddy didn't love me, I push people away to protect my fragile ego from rejection, or I am simply a raging alcoholic and socializing interferes with consumption.....or is it something else? hmmmm....

want to touch the heiney

2005-11-21T23:31:00.000-05:00

talk about your weapons of mass destruction! don't know what is more dangerous: the eyes or the voice

hee hee

2005-11-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

scream

2005-11-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

keep passing the open windows

2005-11-20T18:45:00.000-05:00

how often does the average person think about dying? just curious. john irving said in one of his books "keep passing the open windows" as in don't throw yourself out of it. that is awesome. Read john irving if you have not yet. other quotes i keep in my head....."I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it" Groucho Marx................"I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" Thomas Edison ..........."we didn't lose the game, we just ran out of time" Vince Lombardi.................."If I were two faced, why would I be wearing this one?"Abe Lincoln.........and my favorite "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog" Mark Twain

i've got a tip fer ya right here

2005-11-20T14:57:00.000-05:00

waitressing is a hard job, they live on their tips, blah blah, I know, HOWEVER, you do not push people out the door because your shift is almost over, it's not good business. (we still left 20% so nobody give me a hard time) a pack of alcoholics like us at a bachelorette party= cash cow but she shoved us out, so here's my tip for that waitress, she knows who she is.......................................it's a new millenium, style your hair accordingly. another exciting but unrelated tidbit is thatI FINISHED THE TABLE!!!! and it's good too! yay for me

sometimes you just gotta say....

2005-11-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

no work all week, which is great until payday, so i decide I'm gonna build a table (for all the people that won't come over on Thanksgiving). Whatever. BIG MISTAKE. it was okay now suddenly i can't seem to do anything right with it. So i threw it in the fire. Just playing. This table will be done on Thankgiving, that i promise. Even if I'm the only one sitting at it.

must light candles, wet dog smell and sawdust scents are filling the house (sounds like a guy I dated once) sad part is , it's true. Smelly house and smelly ex, both true. Sigh.

On a lighter note, my imaginary boyfriend Gary Allan and I had a great time last night. In my dreams. Literally

make room for mama!

2005-11-16T00:24:00.000-05:00

you should try getting saddled sometime

2005-11-15T23:52:00.000-05:00

thinking of adding tin cup to my fave movies list, what do you think? kevin costner, all vulnerable, like mel gibson in lethal weapon. OOOHHHH lethal weapon!

much better now, thanks

2005-11-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

i always thought "I'd" never stand for someone cheating on me", until it happened. If you love someone enough, you'll stand for pretty much anything. And that is terrifying.

Recent things that are pissing me off

2005-11-15T19:22:00.000-05:00

Giants loss........this table I am trying to make.......my recent obsession with Gary Allan(sigh).......ladybugs........Nextel..........not having money(that's nothing recent,but still sux)....splinters More to come....

Happy Veteren's Day, Sherwood

2005-11-11T05:32:00.000-05:00

I knew Sherwood Baker from work. Whenever we had meetings together we'd be laughing the whole time. He was fun, he was funny. He was amazing with the clients, mentally retarded adults. He loved playing video games with his son. He talked about his DJ gigs and hanging out with his brothers or his wife. He joined the National Guard to take care of the family he loved. We joked about our crummy salaries, and he needed the extra money. I saw him at the mall once recruiting, dressed all in his uniform, typing furiously at his laptop as usual. I offered to buy him a hot pretzel, he laughed. As always. ....................He came in the office once with a backpack canteen type thing, it was huge. He sat in the meeting drinking water from a long tube to this giant packpack. You gotta laugh. As always.........They shipped him to Iraq a few months later. He was killed April 26, 2004 in an explosion of a chemical warehouse they were securing. I was on a ladder, hanging paper balloons when I heard he was killed. I sat on the top of that ladder for a long time. It just didn't make sense. It still doesn't............................His son J.D. wore desert fatigues to his father's funeral. This child, maybe 8 years old, walking through the church behind his father's casket is possibly the most heartbreaking thing I will ever see. I pray for that child often, a boy I will never know, who has no idea who I am. MISS YOU SHERWOOD

there are worse things I could do than go with a boy (or two)

2005-11-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

staring at zip codes for 8 hours gives much time for thought:

There's only one thing worse than men.....women. But then again, the only reason women are so mean and backstabbing is because of ... that's right, MEN. so which came first, hmmm?

If I were a character in Grease, I'd definitely be Rizzo (reasons too numerous to mention)

What goes around comes around, but it takes forever to get there

major league baseball is fixed. I mean first the red sox, now the white sox. What's next, cubs win? i mean, come on.

why i REALLY like country music: chapter 1

2005-11-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

tee hee sleepy devil boy

2005-11-09T20:10:00.000-05:00

a kickass poem you must read to understand me better

2005-11-09T00:11:00.000-05:00

i have had this poem for awhile and it eplains me in some way that i never could Im not sure who wrote it but...it goes a little somethin like this..... from childhood's hour i have not been/as others were; i have not seen/as others saw;i could not bring/my passions from a common spring./from the same source i have not taken/my sorrow; i could not awaken/my heart to joy at the same tone;/and all i loved, i loved alone./then -in my childhood, in the dawn/ of a most stormy life-was drawn/from every depth of good and ill/the mystery which binds me still:/from the torrent, or the fountain,/from the red cliff of the mountain,/from the sun round me rolled/in its autumn tint of gold,/from the lightning in the sky/ as it passed me flying by,/from the thunder and the storm,/and the cloud that took the form/(when the rest of Heaven was blue)/of a demon in my view

can't stop blogging

2005-11-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

i wish i could figure it out though... adding things is way hard. if anyone knows where to get prescription drugs on line PLEASE tell me

men ARE like shoes...thank you shania twain

2005-11-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

she says sometimes you hate em
sometimes you love em
guess it depends on which way they're rubbing
a girl can never have too many of them

truer words never were spoken
or am i just bitter cause i am man repellant